The season 6 finale of True Blood starts off with a bang, if by “with a bang” I mean “with incredibly boring and annoying” Sookie & Alcide after Terry’s funeral. Those are such perfect descriptions of the two of them in every regard that perhaps I should start referring to them that way. Although, to be honest, I don’t even know which one I would crown “boring” and which one “annoying” – we’ll call it a tie.
Actually – since we are now led to believe they are a couple in love as per the second half of the show – I thought of their “couple” name already. Nevermind Brangelina, move aside. Sookie + Alcide’s couple name shall heretofore be known as… wait for it…………
Sooicide!!! Perfection, honestly, as this is what Evil Cheri wishes the writers would do is just have them off themselves already rather than be subjected to any more of their utter lack of charisma. How fitting that Alcide responded “that’s what death does to you” when Sookie commented that she felt unsure of anything anymore. No Alcide, what death does is come in the form of YOU and therefore is a slow and agonizing one.
Even more hilarious is Alcide telling Sookie he wished sometimes he could get in her head because, hahaHA, guess what Alcide!!?? So does every single True Blood fan. Fuck getting in her pants, people want to know what the hell she’s thinking most of the time. If any of you has a clue, please, by all means – let the rest of us know.
Their boring conversation is interrupted by… holy shit batman… it’s a big group of vampires out in the sun, all high on Bill/Lillith/Warlow’s blood – dancing around and acting like a bunch of college kids. As this scene progresses with all the dancing and the wreckless abandon of clothing and… sex in the front yard and whatnot, I start to have flashbacks of Marianne for a brief moment, back when Bill wasn’t a complete moronic tool (that we knew of) yet. Ahhh those were the days, weren’t they?
Sookie remembers that Warlow is (still) in Fairyville waiting to turn her into his vampire fairy bride so she attempts to convince Alcide that she has “things to do.. places to be….I really must rush off now Alcide GOD WTF I will be FINE I’m a SURVIVOR too, ya know” and I pray to all things holy that that horrific Beyonce song starts playing but, of course, it does not. Even “Eye of the Tiger” would have been cool because, you know, Sookie’s a badass now and she can DO THINGS ON HER OWN DAMMIT but, no, instead cue the TB theme song & intro.
On her way to becoming not human anymore, Sook has a meandering stroll thru… well… Woodstock 1969 by the looks of things, and finally spots Jason making out with some chick by a tree. She runs over to him and after a briefly hilarious “Yeah, what the fuck?” attempt at sounding like a badass to Jason’s new woman, has the “pleasure” of meeting Violet, who despite all attempts to remain indifferent about until this episode, I succumb to the fact that she’s just a completely unlikable character in every way possible. In true Jason Stackhouse form, his “Sookie meet Violet. She’s…European” comment as Violet mouth rapes his sister (how very hard core medieval Catholic of her, I’m sure this is how all Catholic women 600 years ago greeted one another upon being introduced) was pretty, well, JASON.
He and Sookie have a very brief conversation about how being with his domineering bad ass medieval Catholic chick, Jason sort of “gets it” now, how Sookie felt about Bill and someone always having her back and whatnot except.. uh… Jason? Have ya not seen how well THAT whole thing worked out? By all means please continue comparing your relationship to the one that eventually led to Sookie staking Bill in the heart, and I don’t mean in the symbolic way either.
Sookie’s entire demeanor during this conversation was uncomfortable and she was being so transparent that CLEARLY things are very much NOT ok in her little Sookie world that when Pam (of all people) runs up and hugs her, I almost welcome the weirdness of THAT over Sookie’s Hinty McHinterson impression that she’s FINE…er… well.. she’s going to BE fine shortly after she, you know, becomes a vampire fairy in a few minutes.
She, Pam and Tara talk for about 20 seconds (mostly about how high Tara was on Bill/Lillith/Warlow’s blood) while Bill watches on pensively, as though he was only just then realizing that it was his douchebaggery that pretty much sealed the whole Sookie becoming not only a vampire but also marrying Warlow deal. Sorry Compton, you get no sympathy from over here.
Cut to Warlow being so bored he’s now turned to horticulture, and we are treated (aka put to sleep) to his explanation about winding around the maypole and then their light turns the gold ring around his neck (his precioussssssssssssss) into two rings which will be their wedding rings or something along those lines? And Sookie’s all… yeah, so you know how I said I’m a person of my word and all that? Turns out, not so much… how do you feel about BOWLING? To which Warlow is like “WTF, you want to actually go & DO stuff together now? For the love of Billith we had a FUCKING DEAL you LIAR you!” Sookie drones on for what seems like an eternity trying to think of the THREE people she mentions other than Bill & Eric that they could hang out with, and that she wasn’t ready to leave her friends yet. It’s at this point that I wonder if I missed the memo that said once they are married they are relocating to Narnia but the excitement over THAT prospect was abruptly interrupted when WHAAAAAPUHHHHHHHH – – Warlow backhands Sookie seemingly out of no where & she falls to the ground. He follows that classy move up with picking her up by the throat and pontificates just who the fuck does she think she’s talking to.
Um… Chris Brown apparently??? Overreaction – party of 1 – your table is ready.
Next we’re watching a volleyball match going on at Camp Woodstock pitting Jason & Violet against Jessica & James and – – for the love of all that is good and right in the world – – please do NOT tell me that the writers are going to “go there” with regards to a rivalry between Violet and (my favorite female character in this show) the amazing Jessica because, well, just as nobody better fuck with Eric, I am fiercely protective of my little baby vamp Jess. (And, clearly, way over invested in this show….)
After Violet bitch slaps Jessica by way of a wicked serve knocking her to the ground, we are THEN served with another HUGE serving of WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK when Pam announces she, too, is leaving via her Superman powers to go after Eric. Sooooo, now 2 of my 3 favorite characters in the show are, you know, NOT, and the third is the target of an 800 year old medieval Catholic vampire, awesome. I hate that Pam leaving at the beginning of this episode was written into the finale because- duh – little to no “Pam” time does not a good episode make.
(I know, I know – I will end up glad that she leaves at some point. At least I better be…more on that in a bit.)
Bill shares with Jessica that he feels he is back to “normal Bill” – and no longer has any “special powers” (other than, you know, those of a typical vampire) that having Lillith’s blood in him gave, and this is how we’re told that the Lillith storyline was completely pointless because, ultimately, it was Warlow’s blood in Bill that saved the vampires & allowed them to walk in the sun. Soooo, thanks for that, TB writers.
This is also the first time (that I can remember offhand) that I am actually GLAD for Bill’s decision to intervene & go save Sookie and this remembrance of his humanity is thanks to who? My beautifully awesome vamp, Jessica’s influence. They tell Jason what’s up and, of course, he gets upset at Bill posing “What did YOU DO?” to which Bill completely downplays his role in the whole thing by saying he “encouraged” her to go be Warlow’s vampire fairy bride. “Encouraged” now means “totally pushed her into doing it with my utter douchebaggery.”
It is then discussed that the only way in to Fairyville is the thru the one remaining Bon Temps fairy – Andy’s only surviving daughter, and Jessica immediately looks tortured again over what she did to his other 3 children, and at the fact that they now have to go and ask if they can borrow his only remaining one.
By the way, I do not know ONE father that would agree to this after what happened to his other 3 children, what, a week ago in True Blood time? I don’t care how much his daughter pulled on his heartstrings about letting her go help Sookie because at least she’ll feel better that she was unable to help her sisters – no way in hell would any “normal” dad risk his last child after everything that happened, by allowing her to help the same people who were responsible for her siblings’ untimely deaths.
But, of course, Andy succumbs as they prepare their attack with a shit ton of artillery and we cut back to Fairyville where we see that things are not looking any more promising for Sookie who Domestic Violator Warlow now has tied up. Sooooo now the very same vines that were supposed to be responsible for the uniting of their souls or whatever have become restraints o’ death for Sookie, who remembers her little ball of light finally and pulls that motherfucker out. Annnnnd then decides to talk endlessly about how just because she might not use it on him, doesn’t mean she won’t just throw it off into Fairyland and then what huh Warlow? Then you won’t have SHIT because I won’t be a fairy any longer and blahblahblahblah endless talking about her one method of defense and how haha Warlow is scre………… oh, fuck, I guess maybe she should’ve shut her damn mouth and actually USED the magic ball of light against Domestic Violator Warlow because he just swaps that shit right out of her hands and, once again, she’s fucked and now tied completely to the maypole within 2 seconds.
Mad props to Warlow at this point though for finally (FINALLY) telling her that he just wants to “fuck her, own her and use her for her blood” because he is the first fucking vampire who has actually been honest about his intentions regarding her out of all of them.
Just as he’s about to turn her, the “Let’s Save Sookie” gang shows up outside of Fairyville and Adeline mind talks to Sookie asking if she’s OK, Sookie responds that she doesn’t WANT to be a vampire and they all realize that even though Adeline is a fairy, she hasn’t a clue how to actually get IN to Fairyville’s portal. Bill drone’s on and on and on about how fairies are connected to the earth, and she should connect with the dew on the grass or some shit, and when THAT doesn’t work he mentions that fear is what usually works to get those damned fairies to harness their power, at which point Violet has her most awesome moment in the spotlight so far by getting all up in Adeline’s face ghetto style screaming “HARNESS YOUR FUCKING POWERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSS” and WHAMMO. They’re in.
A fight ensues between Bill and Warlow, DEPUTY Jason misses what appeared to be a fairly easy shot on Warlow, the group grabs Sookie and Bill instructs them to leave Fairyville with her (and without him) so he can keep Warlow from coming after her. Warlow attempts to stop this shit from happening and is met with a swift maypole to the stomach from Bill (hilarious) thrusting him into a tree – a sharp broken branch of which goes right thru the center of him, giving the “Let’s Save Sookie” gang a chance to lightbeam out of there, but leaving Bill and Warlow, who is now REALLY pissed.
The gang gets Sookie back to her house, which Violet cannot enter as she has not been invited in, so Jason invites her (what are the rules regarding this anyhow because, it’s not Jason’s house, Eric signed that house (back) over to Sookie and Sookie alone so wouldn’t Sookie be the one that would have to invite Violet in or no?)
Adeline is instructed to hide in the Den ‘o Eric at Sookie’s house, Andy’s standing guard, and just as Warlow calls Bill a nuisance (awesome) he goes to lightbeam out of Fairyville with Bill grabbing onto his leg just in time or it would’ve been from there on out been called FuckedVille as far as Compton’s concerned.
Violet heals Sookie with her blood (great, now they’re going to be connected), Warlow practically meanders past poor Andy after flying into Sookie’s window & Andy thinking that his shot “got him” only to be knocked the fuck out, and Jason comes flying down the stairs (where’d all his artillery go?) only to be saved from Warlow’s shooting blue light beam at the last second by Violet who jumps in front of him, sending both of them toppling down the stairs, clearing the path for Warlow to get his bride. It appears very briefly that Bill is going to save the day by appearing in the doorway just about to stake Warlow only…. nope, Bill has no access to Sookie’s house any longer and so his “stake” attempt is thwarted as his arm is unable to break thru the threshold and Warlow blue light blasts him as well. He grabs Jason & Andy and throws them into the Den o’ Eric with Andy’s kid, and proceeds to go upstairs to claim his bride only….
Duhn duhnnn duuuuuuuuuuuuhnnn – Sookie’s not there. Because, of course, she’s hiding in the shower of the magic porthole bathroom of hers trying to get her ball of light to work (unsuccessfully), which Warlow quickly figures out. Meanwhile, locked in the Den o’ Eric, Adeline is attempting to use her light source to unlock the door that Warlow has fairy-sealed shut.
Warlow is just about help himself to another plate of Sookie on a platter when…. say whaaaaaaaa? Grandpa Niall reaches out of the portal & grabs Warlow, managing to restrain him just long enough for Jason to come running in, staking Warlow in the chest annnnnnd.. there you have it. Warlow’s dead. While Grandpa & Jason “atta boy” each other and Sookie looks conflicted over just having seen Warlow killed, we’re back to Bill outside on the ground suddenly sort of “glowing” briefly, and then we witness the same “glow” happen to Jessica & James.
We are then transported to a mountain top in the middle of nowhere in Are, Sweden to a (thank you True Blood) naked Eric laying on one of those long reclining patio lounger chairs reading a book when, he too, glows briefly like those before him only it is daytime in Sweden and so when that glow is followed by Eric catching on fire, we know that Warlow’s death has meant the end of all the vampires ability to walk in the sun and MOTHERFUCKING SON OF HOLY HELL ERIC IS ON FUCKING FIRE SCREAMING IN AGONY.
6 months later.
(I KNOW!!!!! The fuck?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Yes, the show transports us to 6 months later in exactly that fashion and we are immediately all mind fucked at just having witnessed Eric Motherfucking Northman on fire (and, by the way, a very very brief shot of some Skarsgard peen) only to then be thrust unwillingly kicking and screaming into “6 months later” where Bill Compton is on TV being interviewed for his best selling novel entitled “And God Bled”, Sookie and Alcide are now a couple, and perhaps the most far reaching of these completely moronic occurrences, Sam Merlotte is the town’s MAYOR now.
I know, I’ll give you a moment to let THAT little tidbit sink in and tell you that while we’re forced to watch Alcide & Sookie being all cutesy, cutesy with each other as Bill tells the TV interviewer that what most humans don’t know is that vampires are scared of us, too (no, really! They are!) We are then shown a scene of Jason taking a trip downtown with Violet, a trip that once she’s… um… arrived we are informed that they still have not, in fact, had sex but that they have taken the same trip downtown for 178 nights in a row, and that sometimes they take that same trip 2 or 3 times each of those nights and it just makes me love Jason Stackhouse even more than I already did.
Cue to church service the following day and, oh lawwdy, they done put the black folks and the white folks church congregations together for a “special service”. What are they thinking, that it’s 2013??? Mayor Sam is introduced (seriously, I couldn’t make this shit up) and we’re made to believe that he and Bill have come up with a plan to save the town that includes each human finding a vampire counterpart to keep help keep each other alive while the Hep V outbreak has infected 1/8 of the vampires worldwide & is now at epidemic level stages and that while Hep V doesn’t affect humans like it does vampires, humans can be CARRIERS of it and not know so – hey!! While you’re all here, we’re just gonna need a little blood sample mmmkay? Thanks, awesome.
(Also, what the fuck was up with Sam responding “YOU a smahhhhht woman” all “Lafayette-style” at the black woman who stood up & asked a question. Fucking. Retarded.)
(One more sidenote, how nice to see that Rue from Hunger Games was alive & well afterall and sitting next to Sookie & Alcide at church!!)
But I digress.
As can be expected, people most CERTAINLY have a problem with the whole “ya’ll get a vampire now y’hear?” instructions, and Sam tells them it’s FINE it will all be FINE because we’re throwin’ ya’ll a town party tonight to find out your blood test results but hey!! Free food & drinks on Arlene who now owns Merlotte’s (which is called Bellefleur’s now) using the money she received from Terry’s life insurance.
Fast forward to said town “social” that evening where OF COURSE, hot vampire James is a singer whose band is the party’s entertainment and (oh thank you Lawwwwwwd Jesus) we discover Sookie & Alcide are Hep V-free. Meanwhile, the town inspects one another in attempts to choose their whole monogamous vampire-human relationships (seriously…) Jessica looks around at everyone, seems to realize something and walks off.
Meanwhile, in the land of “Tara hasn’t learned a God-damned thing with regards to her mother,” her mom’s pulls her aside after a brief encounter with a somewhat weird, flirty conversation between Willa and Tara and, yet again, believes the words that are coming out of Lettie Mae’s mouth about how when Tara was a child, there were times when Lettie didn’t even FEED her, and won’t she please let her make up for it by feeding ON her now? What the???????????? Are you SERIOUS True Blood writers??? And when Tara actually DOES feed on her own mother? I begin to lose all hope in the show. The fact that several minutes are wasted on this scene SEVEN MINUTES before the end of a season finale have almost completely infuriated me to the point of no return when….
Jessica saves my love of all things True Blood with her visit to Andy & Adeline’s house (best scene in the finale I’m thinking?) because I agree with Amber completely – it is so genuine and touching, her reaching out to the man whose 3 children she slaughtered a mere 6 months ago, that perhaps – JUST maybe – some hope in the show next season are restored. The sincerity (and humanity) shown in this scene, Jess offering herself & her protection to Andy & his 1 remaining child FOREVER, makes me adore Deborah Ann Woll even more than I already did (which, seeing as how she’s my #1 girl crush in all the land – is saying a lot).
Finally (FINALE) we’re left with Sookie & Alcide attempting to leave the town “social” but they’re interrupted by Bill (of course) who after asking if he can speak with Sookie alone (fuck you, Bill) is met with a swift “HELL NO” to the nuts by Alcide and his glowing eyes. Ohhh yeah, he’s a WOLF… I almost forgot about that whole plotline, as have the writers of this show up until this point.
Bill offers himself up to Sookie, to be her “monogamous vampire” in that whole retarded storyline, even going so far as to say she “needs a vampire in her life,” to which she was like “Oh helllll to the no – I’m good, thanks” and I love the fact that she tells him that even at his best, she could never really trust him because – – fuck yeah, Sookie, kick that fucker right in the nads.
This little pathetic ending scene is interrupted by Alcide’s keen sense of smell (he’s A WOLF, remember?) picking up on what turns out to be a gang of Hep V positive vampires about to invade their little Bon Temps town gathering.
Annnnd that, my friends, is how we are left until June of 2014.
I would like to say for the record that it was like a swift kick to the intelligence that the show’s writers, producers, etc.., thought for one second that I would believe that Eric was killed by the sun. Amber and I have the same opinion on this (completely moronic) notion: since Eric was, you know, on FIRE and all – he melted into the snow enough that A) it put the fire out and B) he was able to get deep enough to protect himself from the sun until nightfall when, in all her majestic glory, Pam will find him (as a frozen popcicle, as Amber so awesomely put it) and save the day, along with my desire to continue watching this show.
Cheri and Amber's True Blood Discussions 